decent ii

So itapos;s getting on to a month since I last posted, and sometimes I wonder if itapos;s even worth it.

On the one hand, Iapos;ve had this LiveJournal since the beginning of sophomore year of high school. Thereapos;s so much change and growth and fall and comeback in it, I canapos;t just give it up. Even though I always posted more frequently since getting to college (likely because of time), I was still THERE. Plus it enables me to keep in touch with lots of people I probably wouldnapos;t be able to or be willing to put enough effort out to keep in touch with otherwise. I certainly wonapos;t be deleting my journal, I know that for a fact.

On the other hand, what do I have to talk about? I go to work, and I come home. Sometimes I go to rehearsal first, sometimes I go to Jedi first. But I donapos;t do anything special. Hereapos;s my schedule at least through the end of November: Monday therapy work (Iron Fairies or Disney) home. Tuesday work Jedi home. Wednesday work rehearsal home. Thursday work rehearsal/Jedi home. Friday work home. Saturday work/rehearsal home. Sunday work home. I just got my first day off from everything on Sunday since July 28th. Itapos;s highly boring to write about work everyday when nothing really changes. Iapos;m not going to write about therapy in here. And Iapos;m not going to talk much about T in here cause he doesnapos;t like that. I donapos;t go out with people anymore because the kind of things most people like to do make me very uncomfortable.

So what exactly is there left for me to say?

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Lily's receptive language is growing fast.� I think she has added another 20 words in the past week (Total = 120+).� For the body alone she knows hair, head, eyes, nose, mouth, teeth, tongue (a favorite), cheeks, ears, fingers, toes, feet, hands, and belly button.� �Last night I said, "Lily there is a kitty on your shirt."� She looked down at her shirt.� She also know pants, shoes and diaper.� Is she always 100 percent accurate?� No, but with lots of repetition, she is getting pretty consistent.� ��

Rec

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9:00 My parents woke me up from a really nice sleep to say they got here. An hour early. Ugh. I went back to sleep. I donapos;t even remember what I said.

10:00 Sleep. Still.

11:00 Got up. Got dressed. Wore my silver suede Tims. Looked FINE AS HELL. People call me arrogant. Iapos;m not arrogant. I just think Iapos;m stunning and fabulous. I donapos;t think Iapos;m better than everybody else. Thereapos;s a fine line between confidence and arrogance thank you very much. Donapos;t get it twisted.

12:00 Parents Day. Parents are here. Theyapos;re being civil. Which is good. The step team performed and I was very very proud of myself and the team. We did amazingggg. Of course I was on front row because Iapos;m beautiful. :DD Hali brought her baby brother. Oh. My. God. Most adorable thing EVER. I just wanted to poke his fat little cheeks all day. I hope I have one of those someday. I really do.

2:00 Iapos;m talking to somebody that I can relate to. Which I need. Iapos;ve needed it for a very long time. You know who you are. Thankkkkk youuuuuu. ^_^ Still listening to Regina

4:00 I want to snuggle.�Really fucking bad. I want someoneapos;s arms wrapped around me.�I want to nuzzle my face in their chest.�I want to get our legs all tangled up and roll around and giggle. I want warmth. Human contact. My body fucking aches for something...anything. My heart literally feels like it is going to burst out of my chest if I donapos;t hold someone. DAMNNNNNIIITTT. Whereapos;s a fucking child molester when�I need one.

6:00 Went to�Tonyapos;s to eat.�They didnapos;t have any moussaka. Which pissed me off.�I love moussaka.�Part of the Greek heritage I guess. But why the hell would it be on the menu if they didnapos;t have any? o.0 Anyways, I had a gyro. Also Greek.�It was delicious. Then we went to the Midnight Rooster. I got an italian soda, flavored with almond syrup. It tasted like cherries. Dee-licious.�All the talking and noise from our group was killing my brain though.�I couldnapos;t get a word in.�Sometimes itapos;s good to be alone.�Well in the physical sense. No nevermind.�Itapos;s good to have silence.�Silence says a lot.

8:00 Iapos;m at Interviz. And nobody is here.�Thanks Hali and Anona.�THANKS�FOR�LEAVING ME�HERE�ALONE. Iapos;m sad. :(

9:00 Alice and Katie and Danielle and Emily came to my room Yaaaaaayyy We talked about my stories. We had an intense one and a funny one.�It was great. "DO�YOU�NOT�SEE�IT?"

10:00 I shaved my face. I hate it. God I look so ugly. I really just want to cry. I just....I look ugly. Plain and simple. I know people seem to like and theyapos;re like "OH�MY�GOD�IT�LOOKS�AMAZING". I really think theyapos;re patronizing me. I hate it.�I hate it.�I hate it.�I hate my face. My ugly fish face.

11:00 to 5:08 We talked for six hours. And I can�honestly say I remember everything we talked about.�It was wonderful. ^_^

6:00 My body has exploded on the inside with so many different emotions.�Theyapos;re all massing together like some giant flaming ball of plasma. It just exploded. And if this is how it feels, I want to step inside the massive conflagration�and just stand there. Burn me to my very marrow. I donapos;t care.�I havenapos;t felt this good in a very long time. Keep me here. Please.

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#31 A Great and Terrible Beauty

Author: Libba Bray

The first in the Gemma Doyle trilogy, A Great and Terrible Beauty introduces Gemma Doyle who, on her sixteenth birthday, has a vision of her mother choosing to commit suicide rather than succumb to a dark shadow. The scandal prompts the Doyle family to leave India and return to England where Gemma is sent to Spence Academy, a boarding school for young ladies. Gemma faces two perilous tasks--finding out the truth about her motherapos;s death and dealing with the social politics of teenage girls. Iapos;d first read this book when it came out a few years ago and I remember being very taken with how Bray portrayed the social and economic restrictions women faced in the Victorian age and how those same restrictions led Gemma and her friends to make the choice to literally grab power when given the chance despite the warnings from her motherapos;s spirit.

#32 4:50 from Paddington

Author: Agatha Christie

The second book in my quest to read all of Christieapos;s novels, 4:50 from Paddington tells the story of Mrs. McGillicuddy who, while traveling from London after doing some Christmas shopping, sees a man strangling a woman on a train running on a parallel track. Unfortunately, no one believes her. Mrs. McGillicuddy is friends with Miss Jane Marple, twinkling little old lady and detective extraordinaire, who decides that they must first find the body in order to get the authorities to admit a crime was committed. Miss Marple turns to Lucy Eyelesbarrow, Oxford graduate and domestic help, for assistance. Lucy acquires a position at Rutherford Hall, the grand estate most likely to be hiding the body, and gets to work sorting out Rutherford Hall and trying to find the dead woman. I enjoyed this more than Endless Night; for one thing, the characters here had more personality and the plot moved more quickly.

Next up: I was reading Cornelia Otis Skinner and Emily Kimbroughapos;s Our Hearts Were Young and Gay but ran into a few problems with the digital copy I was reading. It was missing page 98 and I was willing to overlook that but then I noticed five more pages missing further into the book. Iapos;m waiting on my paper copy to come in the mail in order to finish. So Iapos;ve started the second book in the Gemma Doyle trilogy, Rebel Angels.

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Went out to start the car and itapos;s SNOWING out. First snow of the fall. Itapos;s wet and not sticking to the roads, but yeah. Snowing. Totally.

All bets are off now. Looks like itapos;s just raining in Boulder, so hopefully the restaurant is dead and Yarko will get off a little earlier than usual.

Our heat is ON I am so happy. We got home last night and it wasnapos;t freezing inside. What a relief.

Slept and watched Twin Peaks for most of the day. Made food. Nimue is eating wet food, and I found a homeopathic kidney/bladder support serum at Whole Foods I am giving her. Weapos;re still taking her to the vet on Monday, but maybe this will help a little in the meantime.

Oh, and my car problem turned out to be the crappy 85 octane fuel I bought the other week in the $1.41 mispricing debacle. Topped off the tank with 91 and everything is good now. Itapos;s like the car equivalent of going to the ER certain you have appendicitis and it turns out to be acid indigestion.

Jimapos;s party was a blast. He passed the bar There was lots of hottubbing and making out and good music and BOOZE. I kneed a drunk girl in the back of the head by accident and she didnapos;t even notice. Met some awesome people. One of them, this cool guy named Danny who looked sort of like Kyle MacLaughlin, let me hug him when I was sopping wet. Denver folks are so much cooler than Boulder folks. Had some real conversations and did some real drinking. I didnapos;t know that absinthe is legal now. Why donapos;t people tell me these things? Did the teaspoon of sugar/equal water thing. It hurt like hell going down but I love licorice flavor so overall it wasnapos;t a bad experience, until I started another bottle of Blue Moon pumpkin seasonal and realized I wasnapos;t remembering conversations very well. Fucking absinthe. Managed to escape a bad hangover with lots of water and two Tylenol before bed.

I am going to keep riding my horse. It was too depressing to think about giving it up. A trainer came out and gave lots of sound trainer wisdom and we are going to start again, this time slower and smarter. Weapos;ll see how the next couple of months go like that, and maybe in the spring things will be going much better. You canapos;t take away a girlapos;s pony. Try it. Youapos;ll get fuckin CUT.
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Also.. There were pieces of dreams from my last repose that are worth mentioning. There is one particularly more worth mentioning than others: I was with Elton, and we were trying to have a baby. It is not unusual for him to find his way into my dreams. Typically, however, the dreams turn to nightmares and ultimately end in his death. But a baby A message from the cosmos??�

When I remember to stop thinking about him only in terms of how dearly he is missed, the memory of him is a warm light on a winterapos;s day.

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So, the last 3 days Iapos;ve been sick, well I guess longer than that, but... I started feeling crappy on Tuedsay. Wednesday, Nick tried to convince me to stay home, and I probably should have, but didnapos;t do too much at work, so I was okay. Ending up staying home on Thursday since I was up coughing and had a killer sinus headache to boot. Started taking sinus medication and spent most of the day in bed. Friday, got up thinking Iapos;d go to work, and Nick convinced me otherwise, especially when I could barely talk, and was coughing up lovely green stuff. So, today, even though Iapos;m finally feeling much better, Iapos;m at home with Gabi while Nick is at faire. He wouldnapos;t let me come, which I guess I agree with. However, it does make it any less sucky to be stuck at home on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. I did get my homework assignment done, and feel the urge to be proactive and start next weekapos;s assignment too. (in the next few weeks we get shorter deadlines, and so I know itapos;s better to start working on them whenever I have extra time). The really sucky part of being sick and home from faire, is that I have to miss Duncan and Nancyapos;s wedding at faire and reception this evening. Nick went of course, and I told he has to at least go the dinner portion of the reception. They paid money for us to be there, and well damn, it someone should go and not have it all wasted food. But Iapos;m jealous and sad, that I had to miss it. Gabi is being particular independent, and wants only to play with her cats today. Well except for "watching a movie which she has promptly fell asleep watching. I think I could use the nap too, but strangely feel the need to get rid of my roots and dye my hair. I think I will go to faire for a little bit tomorrow. Fresh air for a bit canapos;t be that bad, especially if Iapos;m feeling like I do today. And I wonapos;t let Nick stay all night since itapos;s back to work on Monday, and I have lots to catch up on.
Well off to find something productive to do.

HUGS
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